NaPoWriMo 2018, Psychology & Social Thoughts

NaPoWriMo 2018- Racing Thoughts

Racing Thoughts

It’s 4 am and I can’t sleep again

Because my mind just won’t turn off

My thoughts are racing

Pacing, tracing

It grows inside me

Slowly replacing

The sanity I once knew

clatter of noise building within

like discordant Dionysian drums

Beating my mind into rhythmic

Trance of broken cacophonic thrums

I lay there and think of every single beat

As Hunchback’s Hellfire plays on repeat

I drift without sleep, stuck in waking

Fervent dreams, caught in

A stream of racing thoughts

The undertow dragging me down

I can’t move, can’t break this cycle

Of churning, never ending chatter

Until hours later I surface,

Chest tight and heart pounding

with the dreadful knowledge

That I forgot to take my meds

I’m exhausted but I cannot sleep

So tired that I want to cry,

I try to console myself in meditative

Breath and wait four agonizing hours for

My medication to take effect,

My body aches with too tight flesh

And my heart beats an irregular tone,

I can’t really feel it beating and yet

it feels like it is racing.

Against a clock that I cannot see, and yet as I

Stare at the clock watching the digits turn from 2 to 3

And at 4 I realized my mistake,

And now 6 am has rolled around

And only now do I begin to feel

The lulling seduction of sleep, and I know

That in less than 2 hours I would have to climb out

Of bed and find my way, sweat soaked and aching to

My morning class. I feel like I’m going insane, with voices

Speaking inside my brain, and yet I know they are all mine,

Just bits of chatter and random rambling,

That won’t shut up and let me sleep

My chest is burning, heart yearning for the sleep that

So eludes me, I’m going insane, and yet I still say

A hundred times a day that I’m ok,

Though I know that I am not.

And I look out on this broken world and

All that I see it rot. As a voice

inside my head,

Screams For It To Stop.

 

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